Friday, March 8, 2013

Today Scientists Discovered Eating Bananas Can Cure the Common Cold

A team of scientists from around the world have come forward today with a cutting edge achievement.  They have discovered that eating bananas cures the common cold!  The work was done in secret over the course of a decade.  
This ground-breaking work was unveiled this morning on COLE news in New York. The team of 6 scientists worked in seclusion leaving family and friends behind for months on end to perfect their tests.  Not many were privileged to the ongoing research.
No one can assess what this amazing finding will mean for mankind at this time.  The question remains, what will happen if the common cold is eradicated completely? There will be no more need for cold medicines such as tried and true remedies like Vicks, Robitussin and Zicam.  
The common cold has helped to create jobs in healthcare and in the pharmaceutical industry. Those companies in turn sprout support companies like Puffs, Kleenex and others which help our economy thrive. What about people who depend on sniffle season as an excuse to take time off from work? How will this affect them? The ramifications of this can affect the 99% as well as the 1%.
Yes, this is a stunning discovery but it can also create a conundrum for the human race.  If people do not have colds they do not sneeze and if they do not sneeze as often as they should then an entire industry will be impacted. Companies who manufacture tissues, eye drops, nasal sprays will see a drop in consumerism.  This is just one area that will be affected.
Economist Blowhard Snots of SNEZ, a top Chicago Economics firm, said it will take quite a few months to measure the impact on GDP such an announcement will have.  He went on to say that, since this accomplishment was unprecedented, experts cannot foresee the problems or benefits that can arise from a no-sneezing-no-colds human race until more vigorous and extensive research is completed.  Since the beginning of mankind on earth there has been evidence of the common cold.  How will we manage without it?
There are certain things that humans can transition to without any visible effect.  When 8-tracks were replaced by cassettes and we later transitioned to the CD no one batted an eye.  By the time the IPod came along we were so desensitized that we did not care one iota about the disappearance of Tower Records.  The common cold is a different story.
If  bananas were to become extinct because of the effects of climate change then what?  Will the common cold return? If humans grow accustomed to life without the common cold and bananas disappeared would they be able to readjust?  These are all very valid and pertinent questions which need to be answered.  Nevertheless, today is another step forward for mankind. Lets rejoice in this hallowed moment.

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